Dodging the blame game in high conflict relationships

‘Dodging the Blame Game in High-Conflict Relationships’ the topic of our recent facilitated workshop. This workshop is presented as part of our ‘Community Connect’ initiative – building communities of hope.

This workshop was presented by Karen Levy-Strauss. The facilitated process can be followed from the slides, courtesy of the presenter.

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High-conflict relationships often fall into a destructive narrative where disagreement turns into a blame game, almost like a ping-pong match. Instead of resolving issues, partners, colleagues, or family members end up defending themselves, pointing fingers, and replaying the same arguments again and again. Learning how to spot blame showing up during inevitable conflict is starting to open the door for developing a counter-plot toward a preferred identity and story of the kind of relationship we would rather want with the person.

In our workshop, Karen Levy Strauss led the group through a process to learn how we can respond differently when blame arises. We shared experiences of how blame escalates conflict and keeps relationships stuck, and we explored practical ways to shift conversations toward accountability, understanding, and constructive resolution.

Here is what some of the participants had to say and do have a look at pictures of the event.

Event media

Thank you for the workshop on Dodging the Blame and Shame Game in High-Conflict Relationships.

It helped me reflect on how I personally respond to conflict.

I realized that I often respond with silence. I learned that silence can be both positive and negative. Positively, it can create space for calm and reflection and prevent the situation from escalating. Negatively, it can also be interpreted as withdrawal or avoidance.

At times I withdraw because I feel inadequate to engage in the conflict. In those moments I may even feel poor or worthless. This awareness helped me see how easily one can fall into the blame and shame cycle.

My key takeaway from the workshop is the importance of working toward a win-win outcome—where both people feel heard, respected, and valued—rather than allowing conflict to turn into blame and shame.

I thoroughly enjoyed our facilitator as well as my fellow students.

Jonas Khauoe

Saturday’s workshop made me deeply aware of how quickly we can get swept into the blame and shame game—often without even realizing it. One of my biggest takeaways was understanding the five conflict responses: Fight, Flight, Fawn (or Form), Freeze, and Flow. These aren’t who we are; they are simply automatic patterns we fall into when we feel unsafe or overwhelmed.

What really struck me is how important it is to call the problem out for its behaviour—name the bullshit early—before it tightens its grip. When we don’t name the behaviour upfront, we get entangled in our old stories and labels, and emotions escalate fast.

Then our conflict responses take over:

  • • Fight makes us attack or defend.
  • • Flight pushes us to run, avoid, or shut the door.
  • • Fawn (Form) makes us appease and keep the peace at our own expense.
  • • Freeze leaves us stuck, silent, or unable to find our words.
  • • Flow, the healthiest state, is where we stay grounded, collaborative, and connected.

The workshop reminded me that the goal isn’t to eliminate these responses—they’re human. The aim is to recognize them and return to Flow where dignity, clarity, and compassion guide the conversation.

What helps us stay in Flow is emotional regulation—breathing, pausing, grounding—so that we can respond from intention rather than instinct. When we stay in the “green zone,” we’re able to separate the person from the behaviour, which prevents us from slipping into the victim/villain narratives that feed the blame shame cycle.

The biggest shift for me was realizing that healthier conflict begins with:

Pause. Name the behaviour. Don’t get hooked by the story. Stay regulated. Stay in dignity. Stay in Flow.

This workshop reminded me that calling out the real issue early, with clarity and honesty, protects the relationship from unnecessary spirals—and protects me from getting lost in old patterns.


Leonie Prinsloo  

I thought the session was super engaging and really helpful. The facilitators’ enthusiasm really stood out, and I loved the interactive parts.

A big takeaway for me from this course is realizing that conflict is okay if you do it in a respectful way. I don’t have to run from conflict or please someone else if it’s going to hurt me more.

Cezanne Jacobs

I joined the Community Connect and it was good to have a refresher on what I have learnt the past two years at Coram Deo doing Pastoral Narrative Therapy. My takeaway from the day was the interactive nature of the session, allowing each of us to reflect on our own stories of conflict in relationships. On a personal note, it was good for me that I was able to consider how I may be presenting toward those in my high conflict relationships and consider what I can do differently that may change the dynamics of the relationships. 

Grace M Field

Dit was vir my baie interessant en beslis ‘n  verrykende ervaring. Ek kyk nou op ‘n ander manier na konfliksituasies in my lewe en hoe om dit te benader.

Helena

I found the session very valuable from a perspective knowing that we all, are always ready to be the one in control or being the one that needs to be right or having the winner label in the conflict situation.  It was very interesting, the game we played with labelling someone, we can so easily do this without really knowing the person in front of you, even in a situation where you don’t know the person you are having conflict with.  We already have an opinion even before listening to the other person.  The session made me aware that we have to make sure in which zone you are yourself. Know yourself, regulate yourself, ground yourself take deep breaths and listen first.  If each and every one can do that it wont be a warzone of conflict.

I like the meaning of Choosing your intention, Start with Heart!  Love this, it says it all.

Surine du Rant

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On March 16, 2026   /   Community Connect, Courses and workshops   /   Leave a comment

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